Tired

Yesterday, I said goodbye to my parents.
Again.
It never gets easier.

I heard that it would get easier over the months, but it's still hard to say goodbye.
To say "see you soon," and "it won't be too long until we meet again."

After we said our goodbyes and I sobbed in my car on the way home, I immediately thought of heaven and how glorious that day will be. When I never have to say goodbye again. If you've followed my blog for awhile, you know that I like to say that heaven will be "one big party" one day for those who are believers and I can't wait to get there. No more tears. No more pain.

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When I arrived home, I decided to go on a long walk with Hartley through a field that is behind our house. The sun was setting and lit the field in shades of gold and honey. I found myself wrestling with why God brought me to the desert. A barren, empty land that brims with quietness, serenity, and lots of open sky. And in my wrestling match with Him, when I fought through tears and questioned His plans for me, I realized that this place has truly been a calming place for me. All over the Bible, God's people have found themselves in the desert and it's there that they truly have found Him and learned to cry out to Him.

"This is what God says,

   the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
   who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
   they lie down and then can't get up;
   they're snuffed out like so many candles:
"Forget about what's happened;
   don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new.
   It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert,
   rivers in the badlands.
Wild animals will say 'Thank you!'
   —the coyotes and the buzzards—
Because I provided water in the desert,
   rivers through the sun-baked earth,
Drinking water for the people I chose,
   the people I made especially for myself,
   a people custom-made to praise me."

-- Isaiah 43:19 (MSG)

 When my parents arrived home they called to tell me they got home okay. My mom told me that on their way home, she and my dad talked about this season of life that Joshua and I are in and that it is her prayer for me that I enter into a season of rest. We talked about how crazy the last 5 years of my life have been and I mentioned that I am still learning how to rest and relax after going non-stop over the years. We relived the fact that over the past 5 years...

• After a year of being married, Joshua lost his job and was unemployed for 2 years
• During those 2 years, I worked a high stress corporate job that I hated
• We moved 3 times, and eventually spent a year living at my in-laws
• Joshua moved to New Mexico for 6 months for work in which we were apart
• Joshua started a new job with the federal government that required a year of probation and is dangerous every day leaving me in a state of constant prayer and faith
• We stressed over money and bills
• We had to say goodbye to our wonderful families and awesome childhood friends last May
• And at that time last year, we also said goodbye to 8 couples that we were close to from our young married's group at church as we watched them move out of state, too.
• We had to move to a new city where we knew no one and had no church family
• We got a new puppy that has had a few scary emergency situations
• We stressed over not getting pregnant 
•  We worried after finally getting pregnant and the emotional roller coaster of fears that comes during the first 13 weeks
•  And now we are trying to buy a new house that has taken us on another emotional roller coaster over the past week and probably will continue to do so until we have the keys in our hands :)

My mom literally said, "I can't wait until you're in your house with your baby and you can just sit and relax." I can't wait either. It doesn't mean that life will be perfect, by any means, but gosh, I didn't realize how tired I am. How stressful life has been. All good things, life lessons, hard trials that have strengthened us. I wouldn't change a thing. But what my mom said revealed a lot to me. It reveals how well she knows me!

I really want to use this time wisely before life gets busier and noisier with a beautiful little baby :) I will continue to try to enter into a time of rest. Of true, intentional rest with God. And that when I walk out into the desert and hear nothing but stillness, that instead of feeling alone or abandoned, I will continue to hear and seek God in the stillness.


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It's so comforting to know that the God who dries all our tears is the God that has us in this season of life that we are currently in. He's the God who promises us eternity with Him in Heaven one day. He's the God who brings us streams in the desert, and the strength to endure tomorrow. He's the faithful God of rest.

"You have created us for Yourself, and our heart cannot be stilled until it finds rest in You."
-- Augustine

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