I'm sitting here at this blank computer screen with so much on my mind. Unfortunately, not a whole bunch of energy sustains me to write it all out.
However, I know that writing has it's gentle way of being therapeutic and soothing to me... so perhaps writing this blog post will give me the energy I need. Even after it's written, there is that next step... Do I publish it for the world to see-- only to feel like an idiot 10 minutes later? Or do I keep it hidden-- unpublished, looming in my draft folder out of fear of releasing it to the world? Do I let my readers see this vulnerable side of me? Do I let those who "lurk" come in? Do they deserve to know?
Perhaps not. But this blog post... it's for me. Maybe it will be for you, too. It's usually always those blog posts that are the scariest to write that somehow end up having the most impact we never saw coming.
So here's the deal... tonight, I feel lost. I feel overwhelmed. And I feel sad. Some things that have happened lately make me doubt myself.
Perhaps I am finally unraveling after 3 straight months of being superwoman. Of delivering a near perfect human over a 19 hour labor and of recovering at the speed of sound. Of having visitors trickling in our home almost weekly, it seems, since her birth. Exhausted from hosting another Thanksgiving this year and feeling like my home had to be just "so" in order for it to happen.
It's scary to write all of this out because perfectionists don't admit defeat. Perhaps that is the problem right there. Us perfectionists bottle it all up, act like we can do it all, and we do it... and then we crack.
However, I know that writing has it's gentle way of being therapeutic and soothing to me... so perhaps writing this blog post will give me the energy I need. Even after it's written, there is that next step... Do I publish it for the world to see-- only to feel like an idiot 10 minutes later? Or do I keep it hidden-- unpublished, looming in my draft folder out of fear of releasing it to the world? Do I let my readers see this vulnerable side of me? Do I let those who "lurk" come in? Do they deserve to know?
Perhaps not. But this blog post... it's for me. Maybe it will be for you, too. It's usually always those blog posts that are the scariest to write that somehow end up having the most impact we never saw coming.
So here's the deal... tonight, I feel lost. I feel overwhelmed. And I feel sad. Some things that have happened lately make me doubt myself.
Perhaps I am finally unraveling after 3 straight months of being superwoman. Of delivering a near perfect human over a 19 hour labor and of recovering at the speed of sound. Of having visitors trickling in our home almost weekly, it seems, since her birth. Exhausted from hosting another Thanksgiving this year and feeling like my home had to be just "so" in order for it to happen.
It's scary to write all of this out because perfectionists don't admit defeat. Perhaps that is the problem right there. Us perfectionists bottle it all up, act like we can do it all, and we do it... and then we crack.
And when we crack, it's ugly.
My pride is even more evident these days when I observe how little I ask for help. Asking for help is not even in my vocabulary. I pride myself on doing it all, on knowing how to do it all, and on not looking like a dumb idiot. For any medical questions, there is Google. For any baby questions, there is my mom or girlfriends. For any personal help... there is just me. And my mind. And the ability my mind has to get all twisted and bottled up until I am one big mess of overwhelmed emotions just waiting to spill over.
I find that no one talks about post-partum issues on blogs. There are the miscarriage stories and there are the birth stories. Heck, even sex is not talked about. Isn't sex a gift from God for us married people, just like babies and new homes and all of that good stuff? I find it odd that it is just tucked under the rug for us to feel weirded out by. And back to the post-partum talk... why are we not talking about this? Why are women supposed to feel like they need to pop out babies and feel like superwomen? Is this just me?
I don't have post-partum depression but sometimes I wonder that if I did, would I be of interest to anyone here on this blog? Or is this strictly a place to look perky and with the program?
Perfectionism is the curse of blogging. Our lives on display for all to see.... and only snippets of it reveal the pretty side of things. The good days. The pretty pictures. The smiling baby. Do we document the days when things are crappy? When the baby is teething and crabby? When we feel like failures as moms?
I don't know where this post is going but these thoughts haunt me tonight. I just wish I could wrap up every new mother in a hug and say that you don't have to do it all. I wish that I wouldn't be so hard on myself and give myself a break every now and then, as well. That I would look at my successes with as much attention as my weaknesses.
Scratch that.
My hope is that I will focus on my successes and not let my weaknesses win and rob me of my joy. That I will find my identity and strength in Jesus.
Becoming a mom has made me so overly confident in myself and yet oddly insecure. I have taken on a new "job" and now that it consumes me day and night, I feel wrapped up in it's identity. I miss having something interesting to say other than what I did when it really only involves eat, sleep, and poop sometimes. I think every new mom struggles with this. What do we have to offer? What do we have to give?
When feelings of insecurity surround me when I think back when my blog was thriving and I was able to be more involved that I am... When feelings of doubt surround me when I feel like what I offered in the past was not good enough... When feelings of joy are robbed when I see what others have and compare it to my own... When feelings of hopelessness arise like these... I ask again, "What do I have to give?"
The answer is everything.
We just have to keep on plugging along and know that soon enough, we'll get our groove back.
Because God is faithful, an ever-present help in trouble. In the good times and bad.
To the supermoms, me included, I applaud you.
This is a hard race, but it's a beautifully fufilling one.
My pride is even more evident these days when I observe how little I ask for help. Asking for help is not even in my vocabulary. I pride myself on doing it all, on knowing how to do it all, and on not looking like a dumb idiot. For any medical questions, there is Google. For any baby questions, there is my mom or girlfriends. For any personal help... there is just me. And my mind. And the ability my mind has to get all twisted and bottled up until I am one big mess of overwhelmed emotions just waiting to spill over.
I find that no one talks about post-partum issues on blogs. There are the miscarriage stories and there are the birth stories. Heck, even sex is not talked about. Isn't sex a gift from God for us married people, just like babies and new homes and all of that good stuff? I find it odd that it is just tucked under the rug for us to feel weirded out by. And back to the post-partum talk... why are we not talking about this? Why are women supposed to feel like they need to pop out babies and feel like superwomen? Is this just me?
I don't have post-partum depression but sometimes I wonder that if I did, would I be of interest to anyone here on this blog? Or is this strictly a place to look perky and with the program?
Perfectionism is the curse of blogging. Our lives on display for all to see.... and only snippets of it reveal the pretty side of things. The good days. The pretty pictures. The smiling baby. Do we document the days when things are crappy? When the baby is teething and crabby? When we feel like failures as moms?
I don't know where this post is going but these thoughts haunt me tonight. I just wish I could wrap up every new mother in a hug and say that you don't have to do it all. I wish that I wouldn't be so hard on myself and give myself a break every now and then, as well. That I would look at my successes with as much attention as my weaknesses.
Scratch that.
My hope is that I will focus on my successes and not let my weaknesses win and rob me of my joy. That I will find my identity and strength in Jesus.
Becoming a mom has made me so overly confident in myself and yet oddly insecure. I have taken on a new "job" and now that it consumes me day and night, I feel wrapped up in it's identity. I miss having something interesting to say other than what I did when it really only involves eat, sleep, and poop sometimes. I think every new mom struggles with this. What do we have to offer? What do we have to give?
When feelings of insecurity surround me when I think back when my blog was thriving and I was able to be more involved that I am... When feelings of doubt surround me when I feel like what I offered in the past was not good enough... When feelings of joy are robbed when I see what others have and compare it to my own... When feelings of hopelessness arise like these... I ask again, "What do I have to give?"
The answer is everything.
We just have to keep on plugging along and know that soon enough, we'll get our groove back.
Because God is faithful, an ever-present help in trouble. In the good times and bad.
To the supermoms, me included, I applaud you.
This is a hard race, but it's a beautifully fufilling one.
